I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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