Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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