well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He kissed a someone with a penis
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
