im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
