I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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