All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
