just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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