i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
