i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
