Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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