You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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