I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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