If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
