If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
