ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
