nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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