I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
