U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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