Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
