Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's blow job season.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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