Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
