My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
