Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
