you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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