I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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