My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
