Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
