i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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