I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
