I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
