they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
