This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
