i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
