It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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