fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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