There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Couch. On fire.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
