remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
