I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Alive.
So much puke
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
