saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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