Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she told me i tasted like america
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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