We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
