I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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