I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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