Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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