four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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