omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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