I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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