My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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