sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you inspire me to be a worse person
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
