she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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