I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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